The Quest for Milk
by WitchyWanda
Summary: It stars everyone's favorite sociopathic clown AND his favorite henchman, Thomas Schiff. Along with his other personalities that are likely to pop up along the way. And where exactly are these two headed? I have no idea. Just work with me people.
1. O Hai Boss

**HAY GUISE 8D It's me again. **Lmao, I think I'm gonna have a habit of just throwing random drabbles on when I've got nothing better to do and I'm still not satisfied with the BIG chaptered story. Sorry! It can't be helped! I'm picky and easily distracted and and um.. oh yeah.. it IS the first chaptered story I've done in YEARS. So yah. There's that.

In the meantime, enjoy some lulz, ooc-ness, and just enough cute to blow a few brain cells. Not enough to give ya diabeetus but CLOSE. (And who knows, if this keeps going.. it MIGHT get up to those levels..)

Now, to make things clear, no I did not have a good reason for coming up with this plot. It just.. happened. Yeah. I guess my only excuse is that I was ranting my my livejournal, needed an example of some random story prompt.. and here ya go. Instant fanfiction crack.

ENOUGH FROM ME. READ, DAMMIT.

Oh yeah, and..

**I OWN NOTHING.**

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**8)**

"Joker..? What in the.. the world are YOU doing out here.. in-in broad daylight? Everyone's lookin' for you!" Thomas Schiff hissed, trying to urgently push his ex-boss into an alleyway near by.

The Joker let himself be pushed a moment, his brain being unable to compute the schizophrenic being out here in the open.. no strings attached. But he soon recovered and whirled around to grab the man's scalp. He forced the little ex-bootlicker to look up into his face.

"I could say the same about _you_, Schiffy." He smirked cheekily at the twitch the odd pet-name gave the other man.

"Don't.. don't call me that! And I actually worked my way out." Thomas wrestled himself out of the stronger man's grip and backed up a few feet, hopefully out of harms way, but continued to glare up at the clown he once.. trusted.

"Aaawww," Joker crooned, "they've loosened the leash a little more? So where'd they place the tracker? The bark collar, hm?" And he tried to get closer again.

Thomas Schiff sneered and stumbled away more. "Look, I-I-I don't want anymore trouble, bo-Joker..." He nearly jumped out of his skin when the man let out a whoop and a gaggle of giggles.

"Trouble? _Trouble? _Trouble, trouble trouble! No, nooo I don't think _I'll _be the one causing _you _any trouble, now Schiffy." He snuck his hand over real quick-like to pat the man's head almost fondly. "You chose to bend to their will, and they chose to reward you.. as much as they _could_. But now that you've managed this far, what'dya think's gonna happen next? Hmm?"

"I'm going to go home, to my.. to my _new home_.. and forget this meeting ever ha-happened!" Ugh, he was turning red under the neck and on the ears. He only stuttered THIS much when around THIS particular man.

Another giggle bubbled up and Joker swayed back slightly on his heels, hands in pockets. "Oh yeah, sure. I'll bet you'll make it home fine.. just _fine_, Thommmas." He rumbled out, eyes sharp on the other, "And as soon as the lights go out, and you're all curled up in bed... well.. let's just say.." He lifted his hands and adjusted his gloves casually, "you might just wake up far, far _awaaay _from home."

Eyes bulging at the thought, Thomas' skin began to break out in a sweat that could be seen from across the road, even.

"Aww, don't worry, though." He reached out again with one of those big gloved hands and, this time, gently pushed some hair back from his forehead.. soothingly, "I know you're _used to _that sort of thing happening, right? Just think of all the things that happened to ya when you were with _me_!"

"H-Ha-Harvey Dent kidnapped me.. almost.. sh-shot me." The man's dark eyes darted around.

Joker nodded casually, "Yeahh, I remember that.. Well, I remember you _telling _me about the whole little adventure while I drove you back to the hideout! In fact, you told me _twice_!" He grinned almost charmingly, despite the yellow teeth he bared at Schiff.

"Oh! Yeah.. I remember that. I.." He looked slowly up at the Joker, right into those soulless eyes, and felt like he might collapse there on the sidewalk.

"What?" The clown asked, his voice lowering to a hiss, but his smile still in place and his eyes glittering, "Something on your... mind?"

The man closed the distance between them and hugged the clown seconds later.

Joker immediately put his hands between them to push him slightly away. "Whoa, whoa whoa. _Tommy_. C'mon, now.. you know you can't just _do _that... and get away with it." He tried to look absolutely serious.. but it was really hard with _this_ one. Christ, was he adorable.

"What are you gonna do?" His voice was much more softer than Thomas' had been, and his eyes wider. Much wider.

"I guess I'll have to... kidnap you." He managed to say it with a straight face. _Oh, I _so_ deserve to get an Oscar for this_.

The man mere inches in front of him went stiff a moment, face frozen.. until he melted into a little.. childishly mischievous grin that a grown man should _not _be able to pull.

"Where will we go?" He lowered his voice even more, whispering and dramatically looking around.

"Weeeelll..." The clown drawled out, "before I ran into you, I was on my way to the store for some, uh milk."

"...Milk?"

"Yeah. Milk." They looked into each other's eyes again, and Joker's had a look that said "You have a problem with a clown wanting to get a dairy product?"

"Okay!" Tommy quickly approved, and turned to face the way he'd came and started walking, instantly expecting the other would be on tow.

Joker watched him a moment.. his face going.. unusually sullen.

"..He's gotta be on some tracking device." He muttered and sighed.


	2. Bad Tommy, No Biscuit

And heeere's the second part. Which just drags out the "Quest for Milk" and will probably lead to more lulz if this continues sometime in the near future..

It probably will, cause, like.. I'm just making things up as I go in this and I LOVE IT.. it's so much easier. :D Er.. not that that means I don't wanna do my other planned story! I do! It's just complicated.. Which is to be expected.

**WARNING: INCREDIBLE CUTENESS AHEAD. LAST CHANCE TO TURN BACK. I MEAN IT. IT'S YOUR FUNERAL, BUDDY.**

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8)  
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So there they were, walking down the sidewalk together, the clown and the henchie.

Well, ex-henchie.

_But not for looong_, Joker sang in his mind as he gave "Tommy" constant glances.

Unlike normal ol' Schiff who owned the body Tommy was taking over right now (Yeah, it's complicated. Crane tried explaining it to Joker once, but that didn't get very far..), Tommy had no qualms against the dreaded clown. Last time the fella came out to play, he'd said Joker was "Cool!" and "Much more fun than our old boss!" Who just happened to have been Carmine Falcone...

Long story short, Carmine wasn't very good at putting up with schizophrenics.

And he'd gotten the rest of his men to trick poor Thomas into walking into Arkham himself and handing _himself_ over.

Yeah, even Joker had shook his head at the story.

So he'd promised Schiff from the moment he'd sprung him from Arkham that he'd _never _be tricked into anything so.. _demeaning_ ever again. In fact, he'd told him that being on Joker's "team" would make him a better man than when he'd been with Carmine's crew. Even if he was schizophrenic!

"You don't think I'm.. I'm too crazy to handle it?" Schiff had asked, and Joker immediately shook his wild green-haired head. "_Heavens _no! You'll fit right in! Trust me, kid."

And a few days after that, Joker met Tommy, who made Joker sometimes feel like.. like... a father.. Or an uncle...

_Whatever!_

Coming to from his thoughts on the past, the Joker discovered the pale man missing from his side. And, knowing from lots of experience, that usually wasn't a _good _thing.

"Tommy?" He called, sharp eyes darting around. "Toooommyyyy." He called a bit louder, drawing it out and making it sound a bit like a warning.

And then he spotted him ahead.

On a bench.

Talking an old lady feeding pigeons' ear off.

Smacking his lips loudly, Joker jogged over, shoving a few people out of his way like they were just objects instead of people.

"Tommy," He said loudly and sternly, "this isn't what we're ou_**t**_ here for."

Tommy snapped out of his ramble of some sort of story he was telling the lady, who was either deaf or too intensely focused on her task of feeding already over-fed pigeons to hear. He tilted his head up and slightly back to look up at Joker who was behind him and the bench.

"But I was tellin' her about my pet pigeon I had once."

"A... pe_t_ _pi__g_eon?" The make-up covered face of the man looking down at Tommy, blocking all sunlight and shading his face, looked completely blank.. with obvious bewilderment. Yes, it had to be that. Tommy had learned good on the Joker's expressions through the make-up over time. Even if many of them looked all the same.. there was something different about each one that separated them. For example, right now, he could tell this was bewilderment beca-

"Ge_t_ up, Tommy." The voice was now just as blank, but deep. It was that voice that made Tommy's tiny hairs on his arms and the back of his neck prickle up. It was weird.

But still _cool_.

"Okay," He nodded and got up, then whirled around to face the old lady and waved his big pale hand violently in front of her face. "Bye, nice lady!"

In that instant, the lady lifted her head and actually looked at him for the first time. This made Tommy grin and he was about to say something else when and a low grumble wheezed out of that wrinkled mouth.

"_I'm a MAN_."

"Oh." Tommy stared for probably way too long, "..Then you're a really ugly man."

The old _man_ was about to retort when the sound of a gunshot exploded right next to Tommy and he jumped two feet off the ground and stumbled away from where it came from.

Joker blew on the rim of the gun and then pocketed it, "There. No more dis_tract_ion. Let's go, Tommy." And he grabbed the other man by the arm away from the bench, knowing, just KNOWING Tommy was too busy staring at the bullet in the old man's forehead to focus on obeying him.

And a few minutes later, Tommy was now back to focusing, but mumbled out, "I wonder what that felt like.." as he followed the purple coated man.

Joker snorted, "I'm sure It felt like the most _wonderful feeling _on _earth_, Tommy."

"Really?" Tommy's eyebrows shot up, "Then how come he wasn't making all those kinds of noises _you _make when someone hits _you _or something?"

"I'm no_t _gonna try to explain _that _to _you_, kid."

"Why not?"

There was a hint of a pout in his voice and Joker turned his head to eye the other man.

"Hmm.. okay, here's the thing.." Joker looked ahead again, licking his lips all around once before he really started.

"I, unlike everyone else on this sad excuse of a pla_net_, know how to ah.. _take _pain and turn it into _pleas_ure in my brain." And he tapped his head proudly, smirking over at the other.

"In your _brain_?" Tommy stared ahead, looking slightly impressed, "how do you do _that_?"

"Aheh," Joker grinned more and reached over to ruffle his pitch dark hair, "Lots of experience with re_ceiv_ing pain, you might say."

"Oh.." Tommy slowly nodded his head.. and it was all quiet and peaceful as they continued to their destination once more.

Until 20 seconds later..

"HOTDOGS!" Tommy froze on the spot and pointed ahead, where a street cart was selling the big, steaming greasy tubes of left-over meat compacted together. He then began to tug on the other man's purple sleeve and drag him forward.

"Let's get hotdogs! Let's get hotdogs!"

"No, no, no no... Tommy..."

"I want chilli, and onions.." Tommy started saying to the fat, greasy man behind the cart.

"Tommy.."

"And please no mustard or ketchup, _ew_ that stuff is gross.."

"_Tommy.._"

"And I think my friend will probably want one, too. He doesn't get to eat much, you see, because he's-"

**_BANG_****.**

The big, greasy hotdog seller dropped to the ground behind the cart and out of sight.

"Hey, what the-" Tommy leaned in and looked over the cart to see the man lying there, staring up at the sky, and _another _bullet in his forehead.

Whirling around, Tommy bunched up his shoulders and glowered at the clown, who just glowered _right back_ with his arms crossed firmly over his chest. But after Tommy turned to look at him he also lifted a single brow and cocked his head, as if to say "_What were you expecting?"_

"I... I don't think that was really necessary, Mr. Joker." He tried to stand firm and continue glowering back, but unlike anyone else, the Joker's eyes burning into him made his ears and face and neck heat up and he _really _didn't know why!

"It kept you from receiving your ordered hotdog, didn'_**t**_ i_**t**_?" Joker spoke once again in that low calm voice. It only meant one thing..

If Tommy tested him anymore after this, it was likely Joker was going to get very, very _very _angry with him.

That had happened once before, but... it was like.. he couldn't _remember_. Like an entire gap in his memory had been just.. wiped out.

Whatever had happened while the Joker had been very, very _very_ angry at him was shoved somewhere else in his brain where he couldn't relive it in his mind.. At least.. that's what he _thought _it was.. If there was any _other _reason why he lost a big gap in his memory, well.. he didn't even wanna know.

Swallowing a dry lump in his throat, Tommy nodded quickly and slouched again, adverting his eyes from the commanding ones burning into his face.

"Yeah, it did.. " He agreed, knowing somehow it would be good enough.

Joker started walking once again, his pace much faster than before, clearly hoping to arrive at their destination _soon_.

And Tommy quickly ran up to be up at his side, clearing all thoughts of getting hotdogs or any kind of food from his head so that he could try to _focus_.

Try being the key word there.

And then a question arose from his meddled brain. He tried, he _really _truly tried to hold it back, but...

"Mr. Joker, what're we gonna do _after_ we getthe milk?"

Joker halted very abruptly, whirled around to grab Tommy by the upper arm, and twisted his upper body around to look at his back for some reason, and then turned him again to look at his front.

"Mr. Joker?"

He poked at Tommy's chest a few places, eyes narrowing in concentration, lips in a thin red line.

"Boss?"

"_Shut i__t_, I'm looking for an _off_ button."

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Well, who else wants to explore more of Schiff's interesting different personalities? Me! Me! I do! And I think I will~ ;D


End file.
